Mood: probably complacent
Listening To: On My Own: Lea Michele- Glee: The Music, Volume 1
Reading: The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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“...of existence. i crave for mental exaltation.”--sherlock holmes, sign of the four
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is it really 2010 now? incidentally, i spent both christmas and new year's working at my new place of employ, the huddle house. and, bonus points, chris was in the hospital during as well. it was the most depressing holiday i think i've ever experienced.

as for work, i like it well enough, i'm proficient at it. it's nothing compared to how the relaxed teasing of my fellows at the bbq went, and the frenzy of a busy rush is startling in its fishbowl nature: the customers, my co-workers, my manager can always see what i'm doing. at the bbq i had a kitchen haven to nestle away in and get my cook vibes flowing.

being a server took some adjusting as well, eye contact and instantaneous smiles aren't my forte, truly. though i have the routine down now and have formed my own distinct rhythm of bustling. disconcertingly, this causes me to detach from the what-is-happening and the hours pass in a blurry unconscious. it's the worst kind of auto-pilot-- my brain seems to disengage from anything but mindless stocking, dishes and food notes. people have ceased to be faces or voices or personality: everyone is just a ticket, an order, specific needs to be met and then moved from. i am blind to observation, deduction, poetic revelation...

i don't like it. college progresses basically the same way, with my brain only troubling for the necessities of homework. everything else is inaccessible. i'm always driving, working, studying, cleaning... or i feel like i'm in a constant balancing act for everyone, placating and mediating. Coming home after a week of steady go-go and finding the house in appalling disarray: dishes, clutter, trash, laundry...

i am quietly drowning, i believe. the last thing i wrote was about how pitiful i've become at writing. :/

i'm wandering around drunkenly searching for some revitalization, some zeal and zing to light the world back up. i'm reading doyle, so far i've finished a study in scarlet and sign of the four, and i love it, but i barely have time to get through a short story lately. bob and i are going on 8 months and we talk infrequently, and see each other even less. i suppose it's legitimate with us having college and work, but it feels like we're hitting stagnation.

i miss us. our fun and easy chemistry and innocent affection. lately i'm always grumpy and irritated for no reason and he's always scrambling to do his damnedest to please me. he's sweet, i'm overcritical.

music isn't getting in, it isn't processing. i don't sing along, i don't bother. i sound flimsy and toneless. i don't see or think much of anything. God help me, where am i going?

Jessica

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Literary Endeavors